Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
