i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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