On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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