Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
