Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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