While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
