I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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