so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize