i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
