You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
