Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
