I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
