I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
