ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
