I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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