my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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