WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
