Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
