Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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