he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
