my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You pole danced in your parka.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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