It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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