woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
