I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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