I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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