I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
