I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
