Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize