My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You pole danced in your parka.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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