i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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