I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
