Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
