Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
