I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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