No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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