i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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