As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
