Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
