Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think my nap took me to another dimension
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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