Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
