guys are only as good as the porn they watch
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
