I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
