I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
