someone threw a dead crab at me
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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