theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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