he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The best revenge is premature balding
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
