I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
