Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize