Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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