maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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