I think I died a long time ago.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
