I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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