I am puke
I could have mohawked her pubes.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
