So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
