You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize