I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
