now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
