Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
